… Let’s be honest, a lot of people just don’t get it. ‘I’m feeling soooo depressed today’ you night hear someone say, as if the worst depressed can be swapped in for sad, fed up, pissed off, etc etc. Ironically I don’t think you will ever find an actual depressed person telling poeple so flippantly that they are depressed. More so because it’s way too many feelings to be put into that one word, it’s not enough.
I’ve wanted to write a post to try to explain it for so long, even as I sit here writing these words I’m unsure if this post will get finished, if I’ll be able to convey the message I want to, or if it will sit, stale, forgotten in my drafts.
Why now? Because right now I’m experiencing it pretty bad and thought that I can probably give a description of some of the symptoms/side effects/whatever you want to call it. It’s the weekend, it’s less than 2 weeks until I jet off the to Caribbean, one of the most beautiful places on earth on my option, to see someone who means an awful lot to me, who I miss terribly. Work is going well, we accomplished something big recently, we’ve exciting plans on the horizon. My dad is recovering from his prostate cancer op, it’s looking positive, my dog is almost off of her meds when a few months back we didn’t even know if she would make the week. I’ve joined a gym. Things are pretty good right?
But my reality isn’t so. Right now I am sat in my apartment which looks like it has been burgled, it’s a mess because I am a mess. I don’t want to move, I don’t want to do anything, I just want to lay in my bed under the duvet, or on the sofa cuddling a cushion. I hate the mess, it doesn’t help my mood either. Yet, I sit and I stare at it, it’s not that I don’t want to fix it, it feels like I can’t. I get up occasionally, move a few things, then sit down again, contemplate, then repeat, really getting nowhere.
It’s not that I am lazy, I am much happier when I am up and active, but sometimes when there isn’t an imperative reason I must move; work, an appointment etc, I simply feel like I can’t, instead I just sit, watching time slip away.
But why do I feel like this?! Not because of circumstance – like I said, things are pretty good right?!, – no, it’s because I am unwell, just like you might pull a muscle, have a virus, a stomach ache, I have something wrong with my brain. Except sadly, still in this day and age I feel like it doesn’t quite count, you can’t really see it after all. I couldn’t exactly phone in sick for work because I’m having a particularly bad day, not like if I had an incapacitating migraine, or if I was tethered to the toilet with d&v, no. Instead I put my mask on and pretend everything is fine, like I always have done, and I’m a pretty good actress.
And so these are my symptoms right now, the feeling that I just can’t, and it sucks. I should be dragging my case out of the cupboard, shopping for clothes, enjoying the sun that’s decided to show itself again, I want to be doing those things. But today I don’t have it in me to battle the voice that tells me ‘no, you can’t‘. Maybe the voice will get quieter soon, but what’s utterly shit about it all is you never know.
Ugh, I don’t even know of I should be posting this.
I promise I’ll get back to blogging soon with something a little more positive…. Once my laptop is back from computer hospital….